Can I do this?

I'm already thinking maybe I can't do this. Maybe this is taking me to a dark place that I shouldn't be going to.
Maybe it's just the month....August, again August.
Or maybe the truth is that what life is like a decade after losing a child, is for the most part...normal, unless you're thinking about your loss. Then it's not anywhere near normal. So maybe a decade after a loss like this you just can't think about it...
Having just said my life is normal makes me feel guilty. How could my life be normal? Maybe normal isn't the right word? Maybe life, (like what I've written so far) is just very confusing.
Truth is life will never be normal for me. Geezzz, that sounds so 'poor me'.
It's been 11 years, 11 months, and 8 days, I've watched two other daughters get married, and one daughter have a baby. Normal events in life...joyous events in life. So many days are normal for me, but now and again the sadness creeps in. The "I want a do over" washes over me.
I don't react to loss like most people would, simple loss, like a child moving to another state...I can barely type that sentence. Most people probably wouldn't even see that as a loss.
I don't react to illness like most people do. When one of my kids doesn't feel well I panic...always...no matter what the symptoms are. I can make myself sick over worrrying about what could be going on, when it's just a cold or sore throat.
I think the rest of my life I will not be able to have an appropriate reaction to some things.
Maybe that's what life is like forever after losing a child.
What's even crazier is that I sometimes see Kelly...like I imagine her on vacation, she's always at the beach...wow, I better stop before they send someone to take me away.
I wonder if everyone who loses a child has these feelings.

11 years 10 months and 14 days

I still count how long it's been since you left us.
I wonder if I'll ever just say, it's been 11 years, or almost 12 years?
When I think of how long it's been, I have to know exactly how long it's been.
You've missed so much...and we've missed you. Our family has changed so much since you died.
I picked up a clip of Brooke's wedding video. It was a great day, I wish you had been there.
You were missed.
I look back on all the things you've missed and feel a deep sense of saddness. I'll never forget what you told me after my brother died. "He wouldn't want us all to be so sad" I think you told me that more than once. It's unbelievable that you would be gone just two years after you told me that!
Today is Mark's birthday, I so often think of all the time the two of you spent watching movies when you were sick. I'm so glad you had that "sib" time together.
The words your friend Kim spoke at your funeral..."miss me, but let me go", were so profound, I know you would want us to miss you, but I know you would want us to let you go. I know we'll see each other again, till then, save a place for us all.