August...not my favorite month.

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Well, here it is August again...August 5th to be exact.
So that makes it 11 years, 11 months, and 5 days.
She died the same day Princess Diana died.
This is always a reflective month for me.
I think of Kelly every day, but August is different. August usually brings back the really bad memories. The memories of illness. Chemo, surgery, radiation, wigs, total loss of her independence, do not resuscitate, hospice...
And a trip to Sea World. Our last try for some normalcy. We pushed her around in a wheel chair. She laughed. She had fun. She didn't want to leave Shamu. We had to go the the clinic. For the first time the pain meds weren't working. They said give her more, it's OK.
I think we all knew that day the end was near. I wonder if deep down she knew too. We never talked about death, not really.
One time, she said "when" I die I think I'd like my ashes scattered at Honeymoon Island. But she wasn't talking about her imminent death. We were talking death in general. Niether one of us could ever bring ourselves to talk about the possibility of her dying. One time she said "what will happen to my kids if I die"...I feel like such a coward, I couldn't have that discussion...I said, "you're going to be fine, but you know I'll always be here to take care of them". I wonder if she wanted more than what I was offering.
I haven't officially "announced" this blog. When I do I'd really like to hear from others who have lost a child. I'd like to know what it's like for others a "decade" after losing a child, or anyone you've loved and lost.
I think now, almost 12 years later, losing her is something like 'background' music...it's always there, but you don't always notice it. I still long for a second chance.

If anyone stumbles across this feel free to tell me your story. I think it feels so good to write it down. I always feel even now, that when I tell someone about what happened to Kelly in some small way it keeps her here with me.